We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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