So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Is it because I queefed?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
