Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
