i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
