just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
