i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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