I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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