I'm gonna have a badass scar
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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