Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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