lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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