oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
