Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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