I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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