i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
