I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
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