Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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