i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
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Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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