Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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