No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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