I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Randomize
