if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
