Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
