i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
