dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I will be naked everywhere
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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