Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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