Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
