Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
