i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize