that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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