And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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