my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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