went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
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I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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