OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
should my penis look like a turkey
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
