you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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