ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
