when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
