It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
