Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
