Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
