You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
