I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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