All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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