If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.