Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
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He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?