I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
