white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
