Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
