How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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