After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
