i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
