Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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