I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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