she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
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I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
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I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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