I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
